


The Fear That Consumes You

by LauraMesser



Series: My Avengers Universe [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers Family, BAMFs, Domestic Avengers, Fear, Flashbacks, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Multi, My Universe, Nicknames, POV Switches, Temporary Death, cuteness, slightly canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-26
Updated: 2016-05-22
Packaged: 2018-05-16 07:40:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5819941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LauraMesser/pseuds/LauraMesser
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We are a family and we fight for our family. You took my husband and son. You're going to lose, Loki...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fear of Loss

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first venture into Avengers fanfic writing, until I obsessed over every bit of it, stopped and then posted like five other Avenger stories and now I’ve tweaked it to oblivion and decided to post it!! I love Clint/Phil, and Tony/Steve. I’ve given them new and different backgrounds which I’ll explain throughout this story and in other stories if this one goes down well. But just to let you know, everything started earlier than the film in 2012; Cap was found sooner, the team struggled towards cohesion less and became a family unit years before Loki. This is my Avengers Family Universe and I hope you enjoy it.  
> This story is set in 2012, the same time as the Avengers film and will follow it, mostly. It’s split into five chapters. This one’s in Phil’s point of view.  
> We start off on the Helicarrier, before a mind-controlled Hawkeye begins to shoot it down. Loki is on board, imprisoned, after his fight with Iron Man, Captain America and Thor.  
> Please review and let me know how I’ve done!!  
> ‘/’ These are italics. ‘*’ These are Flash Backs.  
> Laura X

The fear that consumes you…   
The one when you wake up in pitch black darkness, alone. The one when you feel a presence with you in an empty room. The one when the person you love is hurt.   
The one when you lose /everything/.  
It is all-consuming, it is numbing, it is unnerving and it is /deadly/ fear.  
This fear is what has led Phillip J. Coulson into Director Nick Fury of SHIELD’s office; angry, vulnerable, and vengeful.   
“Phil, he’s taken your son an’ husband from you, you’ve the right t’be pissed off an’ upset.”  
I can’t control it anymore, I sink to his knees on the ground, breath heaving out of me in a panic. My suit is creased and dusty, beyond saving. I doesn’t care anymore. All I can see past my spotted vision is my glowing wedding band. The only thing keeping me sane. Nick’s moved position from behind his desk. He’s crouching in front of me, mumbling, I don’t care enough to shut up and listen like I should.   
All I can hear is “Barton’s been compromised”… over and over and over in my head…  
*“Loki’s got Dickie too…” I can hear Fury’s voice hitch. Clint shot him. I know that’s not the reason behind his cracking tone. That’s not the reason behind my cracking heart. We’re standing here, watching our family follow a genocidal demi-god to battle.   
I fire my communicator at the wall of the room before I continue to run out of the crumbling building, anything to just get a glance at my family, just to make sure they’re okay, that they’re not hurt... If they even are my family anymore.*  
Here I am now. Wheezing on the floor of Nick Fury’s office as my son and husband are under magical mind control, murdering people and beating us. At least we have Loki under control, even /he’s/ being strangely compliant. I can’t be the only one suspicious about that?  
“Coulson… Phil? CHEESE!!” I can hear Nick shouting, grabbing my shoulders, shaking. “Look at me.” I do. “We will get Clint and Dickie back. I promise that we /will/ bring our boys home, but you’ve gotta watch your back too, ya listenin’ to me?!” I nod as best I can. He gets up and mumbles something about ‘calming down’ and ‘fighting back’ before leaving me alone in his office.  
Hope… Spinning my wedding ring calms me a little, I’m usually more stable than this. I’m unflappable, emotionless, hell, I’ve been called a robot multiple times; thanks, Clint. But I’ve never watched my husband and son willingly murder innocent lives... If I think I’m struggling, Clint will be a fucking mess after this… and Dick… All I can do is hope, hope they won’t remember, hope they come back, hope they are still them.   
He’s only eight years old, why would Loki take an eight year old boy?! Unless he knew. I didn’t even see Dick use his /skills/ to get to Clint. How did he know, unless Clint said something, thought something, which Loki heard? Dammit. He’ll be nine in 43 days. He’s been counting. I hate to remember the day we met him, but I love to, all the same…  
*Richard John Grayson. The kid. The orphan.   
Three year old son of Jonathan and Mary Grayson, little brother to Chris and Jane Grayson. Haley’s Circus was never a perfect line of business, not as bad as Carlson’s but rough enough. Enough that mafia affiliations led to deaths which led to tonight. Fury told me to take Clint and scope out the scene. We had full access to the show, although it was still swarming with local cops. With Clint’s background knowledge and my people skills we could get somewhere… Clint always liked the Graysons…  
“The bodies’ve been taken for autopsy. We’re waiting for Social Services to collect the kid. No family. He refuses to move and screams every time someone tries to take him out of here.” One of the local officers explained to me. My eyes glided over to the tiny child scrunched up in the corner of the bleachers we stood metres in front of. He had his knees pulled up to his chest and his head on top of them. He reminded me of Clint. Speak of the devil. There he was crouched beside the kid. Mumbling something so soft and quiet that even /I/ couldn’t read his lips. I was alerted by the young boy’s head lifting a little to stare at Clint and then he jumped straight into his lap, crying.   
As I walked through the scene in the circus ring, I kept casually glancing at my husband and the small boy hugging him tightly. I was interrupted by another officer, all a pile of walking dummies in blue at this rate.  
“Social services want to stick him in a home for the night, we can’t keep him at the station… Unless FBI want him?” That was our cover, a couple of FBI agents called to the crime scene, Agent Collins and Martin. SHIELD couldn’t be openly involved, they never could.  
“Agent Martin seems to be keen on caring for the child at the moment. Thank you,” my smile unknowingly widened at Clint’s loving nature coming out. We had always wanted children but with this job, and the inability to reproduce between ourselves, had always got in the way. Maybe we still had a chance.*  
That was almost four years ago. Now, we had adopted Richard, ‘Dick’. We love him with all we have. Nick and Natasha were willing Godparents. As well as the whole of the Avengers and SHIELD to care for him. Although he seemed like a healthy child with minimal damage after his family was taken from him, Dick was always very quiet and subdued, for a three year old at least, when we first cared for him but with some time and Clint’s love for his circus tricks, he flourished and trusted us. He’s our little Robin. My two birds… We’re helping him train, he loves to show off with his cousins, uncles and aunts in the Tower stimulation areas.  
Tony and Steve, more Tony than Steve, were positive about training their children to be able to take care of themselves and the world, if it came to it. They had three; Barry and Peter who were six, adopted separately with similar birthdays, and Jenna who was four. Barry was incredibly fast with healing capabilities that rivalled Steve’s after his Mother was killed by a man yet unknown although his Father was imprisoned. Barry also loved spending time with Tony in the ‘shop, as does Peter. Peter has spider-like capabilities after a science museum accident, and /boy/ has Clint made too many Natasha jokes! Jenna wasn’t showing any visible powers or changes from being born of a super soldier and a genius, that was until she turned 1, she has since then developed super strength and the ability to heal herself and others. She’s also incredibly smart and deceptive, for a four year old… probably takes that from Tony.  
Clint adores this family. I adore this family, but I know Clint needed it more than he would ever say. After growing up in an abusive home and almost being murdered by his own brother, Clint could have only hoped for a family like this, and I know he did. I only hoped I could give Clint his wish. So far, so good. I knew about his family and problems before he had decided on telling me them himself. I listened intently anyway. No one had ever gained this amount of trust with Clint and I wasn’t about to give it up for anything. We talked all night after we kissed for the first time. We shared our pasts and our hopes for the future like some sort of love-sick teenagers...heh… I remember it like it was last night…  
*“Haha!! They never even saw us comin’!!” Clint laughed jovially. I love his laugh, he uses his whole body even though his specialty was to keep his whole body still for days at a time and remain calm and silent while he took his, never-missing, shot. I was staring at him as I chuckled quietly. I hope he doesn’t notice my lingering gaze, I’ve tried controlling it as a superior officer should, although not well.  
“That’s kind of the point, Clint.” I replied sarcastically. I could always be open with Clint, no matter what. We’d been inseparable since the day I pulled him out of that alley. I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since I picked up this dying, cynical, angry, 20-year-old boy. He wasn’t just some boy to me, not any more. This was our first mission, with me and him alone, handler and sniper.   
I’m seven years older than him but he doesn’t care, we mess around and jab at each other like we’re both 13 year olds. There was a little friction to begin with, Clint had problems with authority, to say the least. I’d been training him since that night. We’d grown a lot closer over the past 10 months, some would say too close; Fury, to be exact. I don’t care, I lov-… I care for Clint and I just want to make sure he’s safe and ready for his tasks.   
I’m still watching him laugh. I don’t remember reaching our motel room, not that it really matters. The mission went extremely well. The mark was shot straight through the eye, no casualties, no repercussions and a smooth exit. Everything you could wish for in a mission.  
When did he stop laughing? When did I get so close to him? No, he’s moving towards me. My smile (or what equates to a smile from me) becomes a little more suspicious but Clint just keeps walking closer and staring me right in the eyes. The cheeky glimmer in his eye has me glued to the spot. He’s stopped an inch away from my face. His eyes are worried now, that makes me worried. But his smile, that smile, it keeps me calm as he leans in and our lips brush softly. I don’t move, wishing this to be more than a dream. He leans in to make the kiss more than a touch. We savour each other, our scent, our needs but it isn’t all lust and want, we just enjoy each other.   
I’ve never had a night that was so perfectly slow, lustful and loving. We just sat there talking, making out (like literal teenagers) and staring at each other until our ride took us out in the morning. I know it seems sappy, like some ridiculous rom-com, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.*  
I’m suffocating again. Clint always brought out every single hidden emotion I had, whether he was here or not. That’s why I proposed to him four years after our first kiss. He lay dying in my arms and I had to do something, say something, to make him stay with me. So, I proposed. It seems stupid now but it was important then.   
“-Engine 4 is down-”  
The speakers were screaming with alert calls and the Helicarrier shook violently. I raised myself up, wiped the sweat from my face and headed to the deck to stop my husband from murdering his family, kill an Asgardian demi-god and find my son. Easy enough. Thank the Gods we have the Avengers.   
It was time to get my family back from that evil, narcissistic demi-god; even if it kills me…


	2. Fear of Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2! I hope you’re all enjoying my little Universe!! Review, review, review!! Phil’s POV again.

Well, I was right. It killed me. I was just starting to get my family back and I go and get myself stabbed. Clint is trying to bring down the Helicarrier, Thor is trapped in the pod supposed to be holding Loki; hurtling towards the earth, might I add; and the rest of the team are fighting each other, Loki /and/ his groupies. And here /I/ am lying on the floor bleeding out…  
Dick. Clint… If I knew they were okay… that they’d /be/ okay… then I would be okay. Steve and Tony would help… with the childcare. Their kids would be locked away right now; safe in the Stark Tower bunker…Dickie’s place in that fortress empty.   
He should be there. It’s my fault he’s not there. I don’t blame Dick for trying to save his family, I mean, look where that’s landed me. But I should have been paying closer attention or brought him home after we were called in to ‘babysit’ as Clint put it, or something… anything. Just… something...   
Tony is a great parent, whatever way the media shines their light on him, it doesn’t change a damn thing, he is a fantastic Dad and he should be proud of that… I never got the chance to properly tell him that… And Steve, of course Steve is an amazing Dad… the right amount of sugar and spice… They levelled each other out… They always did… Like Clint and I…   
Barry was difficult… I remember Tony letting me in on his idea after the Mrs Allen’s murder and Mr Allen’s consequential prison sentence five years ago…  
*“Come on, Agent. It’s a good idea, right? It’d be okay. We’ve got room and… and… Steve loves kids and… Kids are good, right? This’ll be great. I need to revamp and construct a whole new floor. If we remove floor 37’s pillars 9 through 13 and then- JARVIS, noting this-“  
“Indeed, Sir.” Clear confirmation from Tony’s phone in his back pocket.  
“And then we can…” Tony kept rambling until I threw a Styrofoam football at his overexcited, intelligent (yet completely daft), oil-greased head.  
“Stark! Stop.” I swear, I’m changing all codes to my office.  
“What?!” Tony shouted as if /I/ was the one interrupting /him/ in /his/ office.  
“Tony. You need to talk to Steve before you just take in a one year old. This is a huge step and you need to tell Steve about all of it before you go knocking out entire floors of your home! Why did you even come to me about this anyway?” I have no clue about this ‘family’ of mine anymore. Okay, I have a better clue than most, but still…  
“You’re…you. You and Clint already have this down. Clint is great and all… don’t tell him I said that willingly… but you’re responsible and a Dad and a good husband and an Agent. I just- I figured- anyone who could do all that and love it could… could… tell me /I/ could do this. Tell me I’m not a horrible father and role model, and I’ll fuck up any child’s life, and to stop even suggesting it before Steve gets hurt. ‘Cos, he will, he loves kids, he’s a great role model and he’s great with Dick and Dick’s not even /his/!! I… I… I can’t do this. I can’t hurt Steve. I can’t /parent/!”  
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!!! Tony slow down. You are not your Father, you will be a great parent if you want to be one, and Steve will love you, whatever you do. I mean, last week you dyed his suit bright pink and got away with it-“  
“- Technically, that was Katniss…” Tony corrected as he slouched further into my chair across my table.  
“I /knew/ it. He’s a terrible liar… Never mind… you were never afraid of just jumping in and doing your best before, this is exactly the same. Clint and I are hardly perfect parents. Dick’s four years old and he’s obsessed with The Munsters, all he eats is toast and shaped spaghetti, he refuses to go to bed and we are still arguing on schools. Parenting is not an easy task but you aren’t doing it alone. That’s one of the best parts, there’s always someone else to help, and encourage you and support you… And that child will love you unconditionally because you have given them your best. And you deserve to be happy, Tony. Now, go and tell your husband that you might be getting a kid before I taze you.” I chuckled lightly as Stark immediately rose, gave a sincere nod, a smirk and left my office in silence once again.*  
He’s going to have to do it alone now; Clint... Please, please let me help him, let the others help him, please… I haven’t prayed as much as I have over the past 16 years of knowing Clint in my whole lifetime… I don’t even know who I pray to, but I do. Sometimes it’s dead friends or family members, asking for help or protection… If there’s no God, maybe the dead can still hear you? I’ve prayed for a miracle many times before. Every miracle I ask for is for Clint or my family. Generally it’s for Clint to get back home safe and let his injuries be non-fatal but one of the very best miracles was little JP… Jenna Pepper Rodgers-Stark. Steve and Tony’s biological daughter. We had no idea either…  
*“What?”  
“What?!”  
“WHAT!!?”   
We were just taking Steve for a check-up. That’s all it was. He hadn’t been on top form recently and his medical eval was due anyway. I was standing with Steve and Tony, listening to the Doctor’s results, in a too-white medical room somewhere in Stark Tower. As Handler of the Avengers, (read: professional babysitter/superhero wrangler) I have to know about their medical situations. Tony invited me to sit in with the results as I was in the area anyway. I couldn’t have been listening right. What?!  
“You’re shitting me. Steve’s pregnant?! /How/?” Tony answered my question before I even asked it. I /was/ listening correctly. The doctor had just said Steve’s urine analysis proves him to be pregnant. We thought he had been under pressure with taking on the task of raising a child and leading the Avengers and, of course, being married to Tony Stark. Looking now… he /had/ gained weight. How had I not noticed? Correction. How had /Tony/ not noticed?!   
“Well, we’re presuming that the serum allows him to become pregnant… somehow. He’s at least three months along. We’re still running tests; trust me, we ran this five times. You can have Dr Banner confirm our findings. You can even take a pregnancy test. We can have an ultrasound in here now, if you’d like? I’ll leave you with this… Call me, when you’re ready.” The Doctor finished and left. Even Tony was silent.   
“I’ll leave you two to talk.” I had to give them time, space, to talk. They have quite a bit to discuss, I should know, I’ve been in their position. More kids? Or not…  
“Wait. Phil. Please, stay. We need some guidance here, please?” Steve had gently grabbed a hold of my forearm before I could leave. I could see the fear in his eyes, the same fear I had seen in Clint’s the day we signed Dick’s adoption papers; this is my family, I’ll always help.  
“Of course... Tony?” Okay, Stark is unnerving me a little now. Still no words from him.  
“Hmmm?” His eyes seemed far more panicked than Steve’s. I could see his thoughts bouncing, he was almost physically vibrating.   
“Tony? Anthony Stark? How you doin’?” Steve clutched Tony’s hands in his own, pleading for him to look at him, talk to him.   
“I…I…I… ME? How are /you/ doing?! Steve, baby, you’re pregnant. With a baby. Like an actual human being. Our human being. We…You… Me…Parents. Again. Like real life, ‘here, they have your eyes and your super strength’, kind of parents. What if they /do/ have your powers?!! What if they /don’t/? How are you going to give /birth/? What if they’re not okay? Steve! What if they’re sick? What am I going to do? You know what I’m like when I can’t /fix/ things!! Steve, I can’t lose our baby. Coulson! You’ve…you… fix it. Fix them! What if I lose you too, Steve? I…I…I…” Tony has gone into full panic-rambling mode. He’s making crazy hand gestures and looping in a circle around the room. Time to set Mission: Snap Out Of It Stark into action, I’ve become quit skilled at this recurring mission recently. Steve’s worried, and pregnant too, it’s up to me to lay everything out calmly…   
“Stark! Tony! Look at your husband! Do it!! Look!” I gave Tony a pretty good shake and faced him towards a now watery-eyed Steven Rodgers-Stark.  
“No.No.No.NO!! Hey! You’re my star, my anchor… you can’t cry. You’re not allowed to cry, ‘cos then I’ll cry and then who’s going to stop who crying. Even Agent will be made awkward by our crying and he’s a steely hard ass! Look, Steve, we are going to make sure this kid, /our kid/, is healthy and then we are going to tell Barry that’s he’s going to be a big brother. Afterwards, we’ll fight like hell to make sure it stays healthy and finally, we’ll fight like hell to keep our baby happy. We can do this. We can figure this out. I love you and I love our little baby. I’m not giving up. /No way/.” Tony held Steve’s hand in his own and kept a possessive hand on Steve’s bump. Steve gave Tony a weary smile as tears streamed down his face.  
“We’re going to let them do an ultrasound and check everything out. We’ll get Bruce to double check and look into how we’re going to work this out, with Tony’s help. I’ll set up a schedule and routine for Steve now that he’s incapacitated. We’re all here to help. We’re a family and we protect each other. Stark, no more worrying, leave that to me. Steve, don’t listen to Tony’s worrying. You three, are going to be fine.” I smiled as warmly and reassuringly as I could.  
“Thank you, Phil.” Steve seemed genuinely appreciative.  
“Thanks, Ag- Phillip.” Tony smirked playfully.  
“I’ll leave you two alone. Tell my Godchild, she can thank me when she arrives!” I shouted back as I left the room in laughter and I headed to speak to Dr Sanchez. I feel like it’s a girl. I feel like this is going to be okay. Scratch that. This will be fantastic. I’m so happy for them. My family’s growing, how can I not be joyous right now?   
Clint will probably become all paternal and angst ridden when he finds out, he’ll definitely be happy, don’t get me wrong. It’s just, he’s always wanted a big family. So do I. I want to give him whatever he wants but with the Avengers being down one already and work piling it on. Now doesn’t seem right to bring another child here, they don’t deserve to have their love and attention split by work and other menial tasks. Clint understands. I don’t want him to understand. I want him to be happy. I want more kids…*  
I wish I could give him more. Then, maybe he’d have people to focus on and care for that he could be happy enough without me… It’s just him and Dick now. If they even get back. Oh God… They’ve got to come home! I need to bring them home!   
I’m starting to really feel this now. Dizzy, very dizzy. I’m sitting, why does it feel like I’m falling? I’ve just got to keep focused… Think… Clint and Dick and family.  
I always wanted three. Clint said five. I can imagine Clint walking five kids in a line behind him, barking orders like a lieutenant, but bursting out laughing at their little stomping feet. Steve and Tony are closer to five than we are. Peter Parker is their third. Not entirely willing to reproduce naturally again for a while, they adopted him when he was mostly adopted when he was four. He wasn’t easy, kids aren’t, but Peter was especially difficult. His parents were super scientists, killed in a plane crash when he was just two years old. He was taken in by his Aunt May and Uncle Ben when Tony met him at his parents funeral, striking a fast friendship with the toddler and the family. His Uncle Ben was murdered in a mugging, leaving his elderly Aunt to care for him and fend for herself. Tony, very willingly, helped generously with Peter and May. Peter had begun to get closer to Tony and Steve as well, meeting Bruce and Jenna multiple times. May had started to leave Peter in Tony and Steve’s care more often, eventually, leaving him at the Tower full-time while she visited every weekend until her death mere weeks after Peter’s sixth birthday. We were all devastated. Peter especially. May was a wonderful, strong and caring woman. We all got to know her extremely well. They were family and May must have felt the same as she left Peter and her possessions for him to Steve and Tony, including full guardianship. This struck all of us but it was ultimately Peter’s decision if he wanted to stay with our dysfunctional family or not. Tony made sure he was aware that it was up to him, 6 years old or not, Tony understood being forced into a family of publicity, scrutiny and pressure, he refused to do that to any child willingly.  
It was a rocky time when May had passed. Especially the day Pete went missing.  
*“JARVIS?!” I could hear the urgency and pure fear in Tony’s voice as he stumbled into the main living area. Steve was entering from the other side of the room and we had been alerted to an emergency needing a meeting in the living room; Barry, Jenna, Dick and Peter included. Although Peter wasn’t here yet...   
“No footage of his exit, Sir. Still awaiting heat signature and DNA scans of the buildings entries and exits. Master Peter was very emotional before he disappeared from my readings, Sir.” We all listened quietly to JARVIS’ smooth British accent, gauging more knowledge of the situation and, if I’m any good a ‘secret agent’, a hint of worry in the AI’s response to his creator.  
“Tony?” Dr Banner was the first to question him. Tony was pale, hair tousled even more uncontrollably than usual and, looking, Steve seemed just as pale and tense.  
“We can’t find him... Anywhere. Peter, he’s gone. Where the hell would he go? Has anyone seen him or know where he could be?” Shit. Barry, would he know?  
“Bear. Did Peter say anything to you before he left the gym?” I lifted my nephew onto my lap, focused on staying as calm as possible.   
“No. He was cryin’ ‘bout Nanny May an’ I told him tha’ my Nanny wen’ away too an’ tha’ they’re in a save place in heaven an’ it hurt now but won’ hurt f’rever. Jus’ like Daddy said to me. Is Pete okay, did I hurt his feelys? I didn’ mean to Papa.” Barry’s blue orbs enlarging and becoming watery by the second as he glanced up at Steve and Tony. Steve cursed quietly as he reassured the six year old his brother and best friend was fine and it wasn’t his fault, hugging him close.  
“We need to separate up and look at his favourite places, coordinating where he could go in the space of 45 minutes and have JARVIS sweep any and all cameras.” Agent face on, Handler voice engaged, emotions intact.  
“Okay. Um... JARVIS has been scoping for the past fifteen minutes. I should have been more attentive, I should’ve talked to him more, I should’ve…” Steve could see his husband flailing, so he hugged him tight, whispering sweet nothings and turned to me, Tony’s head still held in the crook of his neck and Barry clutching at them both whereas Jenna sat on Clint’s lap looking as openly worried as a three year old could.  
“He could be in the Science Museum, Central Park, his old house, the store around the corner of May’s new apartment and nothing else really comes to mind…” Steve informed us as I gathered the information and formed the plan in my head.  
“Okay. Clint, Tony, you can stay here with the kids in case Peter returns. Natasha and I will go the furthest distance, to his old house. Bruce, you check out May’s apartment and the store, and Thor, get up in the air, scope out Central park. Steve, you can head down to the science lab. What was he wearing last so we have some grasp on what to look for?” Other than a six year old /alone/… Is what I didn’t say. Peter is intelligent, really intelligent, but he’s still three years younger than Dick. And he’s by himself, the son of two high profile superheroes, in the middle of downtown Manhattan… I’m trying really hard not to stress out. I’m surprised Tony isn’t arguing with me about him staying behind. A true testament of his trust in us, finally.   
“He had his blue zip-up on, with his red faded Cap t-shirt and some jeans with black converse… GO! Hurry, please…” A little more like Tony but we still separate in silence, I kiss Dick and Clint and overhear Tony and Steve’s promises to each other and their reassurances to Jenna and Barry. Barry was offering to help Tony and JARVIS search for his little brother and Jenna held onto Dick’s hand as she sat mostly on Clint’s lap.   
Natasha is already in the parking garage, waiting in my SUV. Lola’s a little too flashy, especially with a nine year old and a Clint to haul around, not that I mind.   
“Glad I don’t have kids.” Natasha speaks up as we exit the garage with eyes peeled for Peter.   
“You’d be a good Mother.” I hear her classic snort as she keeps watching the passenger window.   
“They’re more weakness than strength… I’d do more harm than good…” She mumbles that last bit but with Clint’s hearing disability and tendency to mumble his feelings, I can pick up on and hear her perfectly well.  
“I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy or knowingly loved in my life. Yes, I freak out about situations like these, and much worse but that’s what all parents do. I can’t let that stop me from being happy and Clint being happy and Dick being happy. You’re stronger than most women yet you’re just as loving, I’m no Hawkeye but I can clearly see how much you care for us all Nat. Don’t stop yourself from being happy like we all have for years. We’re here to help...” I can feel her gaze, the softened Natasha Romanoff version, not her Black Widow glare. I’ve known her for almost as long as I’ve known Clint. He dragged her in after not killing her on an op in his second year at SHIELD. Memorable week, to say the least. I trust her with my life, with Clint’s and Dick’s, on an almost daily basis. I hope she can say the same and that she’ll listen because I would never lie to her, not with something as important as our family.  
“Thank you, Phil.” And that was all that was said on our vigilant ride to Peter’s old home.   
*Who will campaign door to door for America?   
Carry the flag shore to shore for America?   
From Hoboken to Spokane  
The Star Spangled Man with a Plan!*  
“I swear, I’m going to taze both Clint and Tony.” I grumble as Natasha smirks at my new ringtone for Steve before I answer it.  
“Phil?” Steve questions down the line.  
“Yeah? Have you found him? We’re right outside Peter’s old house and there’s been no sign of him on the ride over.” I explained the situation.  
“It’s fine. I got him… He’s here at the Science Museum. I haven’t talked him out of leaving just yet but I wanted to let everyone know that he’s okay and we’ll meet up back at the tower by dinner time. He just needs some space. No harm done, other than a bug bite on his hand. Nothing Jenna or Dr Banner can’t fix… Thank you.” Steve informed me as a wave of calm washed over me, a silent breathe of relief released. Jenna was still harnessing her healing powers but things like scrapes and bites were mundane to the super strong, healing-abled three year old. Peter was fine, he would be fine.*  
Technically, after that day, Peter was fine. He was just a little more… super-powered than before. A lot like Barry. Mere weeks had passed and he started showing super abilities. Peter can sense danger and climb walls, with spider-like capabilities. We freaked out a little (read: a lot) at the beginning. We thought it was something in the tower or spread on a return from a mission. It turned out, Peter was bitten by something more than just a spider. They both had taken a while to accumulate their powers. Thank goodness we were equipped to, mostly, handle the situation, I can only imagine normal civilians dealing with super-abled children.  
We were less than pleased with the situation. There are still questions unanswered but they’re our kids, we will always love them, no matter what. Peter had settled since that day, finding a link to his new family through his powers. Tony had a simulation room to test and train the Avengers, now including all the kids. Jenna was still honing in on her strength and healing. Barry had taken up training with Steve three times a week as well as helping Tony in the workshop. He’s eager to follow in their footsteps, and avenge his parents. No matter how well trained these kids were, they are still kids, hence Tony, Steve, Clint and I set up a panic room in Stark Tower’s basement. Clint and I are only blocks away in our apartment. Natasha lived in the Tower when she was around, the same goes for Bruce and Thor, but we found it necessary to have Dick in a separate home so he could grow up and feel comfortable with us before shoving him into the Avengers life.   
He was always going to be in danger. I always feared Dick would get hurt but I never imagined I would have to deal with it alone… I can’t help… I tried. I’m just an agent… I hope Clint brings him home. I hope they know that I tried… They’ve got to understand…  
This family made me irrational. With all these ridiculous emotions… I had to protect my family… I had to give them some time… Then that stupid God got in the way of my sanity, which has been slowly deteriorating since Clint and Dick were taken… Loki rabbited… He was behind me… Not good… Then came the burning sensation in my chest, the searing pain and blue light. And down I went. It doesn’t look like I’ll make it this time… but, I’m wasn’t going anywhere without blasting that SOB first.  
I didn’t think I’d go alone… in a hail of bullets, sure, but with Clint by my side… The Avengers on our backs… never alone.  
Clint… Clint? CLINT! He’s right there. Shit… He’s right here…  
“’lint?” was all I managed to gargle. He’s standing right in front of me, but he’s not killing me... The blue, not his blue, Loki’s blue… In his eyes… I can just barely make it out through my own blurred vision. It’s lessening, I think...   
“CLINT!” I try and shout, alarmed… He’s on his knees... Is he hurt? Why can’t I help my own DAMN husband?! Oh right, I was stabbed in the Goddamned chest, that’s why!! The blue... It’s gone. Clint... My Clint. He’s here. I’m not alone…   
“Phil? Stay with me…” Clint spoke raspily as he tried to move forward and help me.   
I’m trying… I’m trying so hard to stay awake… I swear, honey, I swear. Just… so… tired…  
“MOVE, BARTON!!!” Guns? No. /My/ Clint… /Good/ Clint... Go’way…  
“It’s me…” Clint raised his hands as SHIELD agents swarmed, shoving him up and away from me… No... Clint!   
“Help him please…” Clint pleaded. Too tired... I want Clint back… Clint? Dick?


	3. Fear of Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint’s POV this time. With a little sliver of Natasha POV, marked with this ~. Hope you all enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it!!  
> ¹Natasha says ‘Idiot’ in Russian as an endearing term.

Phil? Phil!!! Why’re you bleeding? What the fuck happened??!! Damn Loki and his fucking magic!!! My heart hurts so much… and I can’t help… I can’t move… I’m not just going to fucking watch you die, Phil!! I’m not just gonna watch…  
My hand. It moved. I made it move. /I’m/ moving my hand. Oh crap. Down I go…  
“LINT!?” Phil! He’s gonna be okay. I’m gonna save him. My only mission. Save my family…  
“Phil? Stay with me…” Ouch. Hurts to talk. Hurts to move. Gotta move. Phil. Shit, his hands are cold. How fucking long has he been here… alone. Fuck.  
“MOVE, BARTON!!!” Shit. /Now/ they decide to help.   
“It’s me…”Jack holes. “Help him please…” Their best fucking agent has been dying for approximately fifteen minutes and they arrive in time to… agh… /TASER/ his goddamn husband!!!! OWWWW!!   
Phil?! PHIL?? Dark… tired… ph-Richie?

 

“Phil!?” Talking equals wracks of coughing… great.  
“Med bay. You back with us?” Nat spoke softly but I could always tell when she’s so pissed it’s silent. Water, hopefully it’s water, Nat always loved springing vodka on me in Medical.   
“Looks like it. Need to see Phil. And Richie. You have Richie, right?” /Oh God/.   
“No… Phil’s being helped. You can’t do anything for him other than get your son back. We’re all going to bring him back, Clint.” /Shit/. We need to go /now/.  
“Nat. What the hell are you all waiting for?! Let’s get him back and end this!” Still a little dizzy. Great. Doesn’t matter.  
“You, zagnut.”₁  
“Clint. You got a suit?” Steve, damn, he looks like hell.  
“Yeah.”  
“Can you fly a jet?” Of course I can. The headache and dizziness’s mostly gone. My gut’s bottomed out though.  
“Yeah.”   
“Great. We’re out in five.” I’m bringing him home Phil. Don’t you dare fuckin’ die on me. I’ve warned you about that shit. I hope you know I’m okay, it’s gonna be okay.   
“Clint? Let’s go.”   
Deep breath. “Right behind you…” 

~  
He didn’t need to know that Phil had checked out twice already. And without major expert help, he wasn’t pulling through. SHIELD was doing everything they could; including calling Dr Richards, Tony didn’t even argue…  
Clint didn’t need to know that right now.  
The team didn’t need to know that right now.  
They needed to find Richie and kill Loki.   
They needed to end this.  
They needed Phil… /I/ need Phil to be fine. I promised him I would take care of his family. But he promised me he wouldn’t lie, that I could trust him, he promised he wouldn’t die.   
Идиот.¹  
~

 

Well, we’re fighting goddamn aliens. Still no sign of Richie. What the hell had Loki set him up to do? I swear if he’s put one smarmy finger on my boy he won’t be able to object fast enough to me slicing him open from the inside out… /slowly/.   
Fucking Chitauri. Knock. Draw. Breathe. Release. Kill. My favourite mantra. Knock. Draw. Breathe. Release. Kill. Kno-.  
No arrows. No quiver. Shit.   
Dick.   
No one can remove my quiver without me knowing or, somehow, doing it fast enough for me to not notice, but they’d still have to know my passcode and locking mechanism.   
Only Dick is capable of that. Where is he? Where’s Robin? The little shimmer of black and blue brought a memory forward of our uniforms for Loki... ‘Like Father, like son…’ Where is he?  
“Dickie!!!” The rooftop across from my perch. My boy. No. NONONONONO!!! Dick!!! “Shit. Dick! Dickie!! Richard?!!” I’m running as fast as my legs will carry me, jumping the small distance from building to building, he’s on the ground, he’s not saying anything. Dick. “I’m here, I’m right here. Dick? Are you okay? Dick! Dickie, you’ve gotta wake up!!” I can’t feel a pulse. Why can’t I feel a pulse?!! Am I hugging him too tight?  
“Dad-dy?” just a whisper. Just an acknowledgement. He’s okay. My baby boy is okay. /Thank Fuck/.  
“It’s okay Dickie, Daddy’s got you…” I remove the mask of the ridiculous suit Loki has him in and pull him tighter into my chest, standing on shaky legs as my comm crackles through.  
“Hawkeye? Position? Hawk-“   
“It’s fine, Cap. Moved position to locate a team member in need of assistance. Robin has been obtained, healthy and uncompromised.” Of course Tony is the first to respond to the news.  
“Awesome name. Although, I could think of something better. I didn’t know we were giving our kids names?? Jenna will totally be the Blue Shaman!!” I can hear Cap rolling his eyes.  
“No, Tony. And that is a terrible name. Get Robin to safety. Tony, find Loki. Do not approach alone!!”   
“Yes, /dear/.”   
“Daddy…”  
“It’s okay bud. We’re gonna go see Peter and JP and Bear… Hold on tight and don’t open your eyes until I say so.” He doesn’t need to see the death and destruction. I need to get him to the tower safely and into the bunker.  
“Got a path Birdbrain. Flying in for a handover.”   
“Confirmed Shell Head. Dickie, I’m gonna give you to Uncle Tony and I’m coming right back, okay?” I just have him back, I don’t wanna let him go. I’ve gotta be the adult here, I’ve gotta be calm.   
“Kay Daddy… Love you.” Stronger than me. He gets that from Phil.  
“Love you, bud...”   
“Uncle Tony for the airlift. Exits on your left, right and rear. Peanuts and Soda. In flight film is The Avengers!” That made Dickie smile as I placed him into Tony’s armoured arms and kissed his head.  
“Remember what I said. Close your eyes. Stay safe. Love you.” I’m not gonna cry.  
“Love you. Will Pops be there?” Breathe. He doesn’t know… Don’t say anything stupid.  
“No. He’s on the base. Making sure Grandpa Nick is being kept busy. Don’t worry, we’ll see him soon.” Tony answered as I tried to breathe, I don’t think I’ve ever been so thankful.  
“Watch my half Locksley.” Tony asked, Clint knew he meant Steve.  
“No problem.” And Tony took my son to the Tower... Shit. They had Cap surrounded and more flying jackasses were gaining on Thor. Time to prove my worth…

 

“Small, major problem…” Tony’s voice squeaked in the comm.  
“What?” Damn quiver tweaked my back on landing, again. Stupid window.  
“Loki’s in the tower. Destroyed the top few floors. I just finished redoing those! JARVIS says the kids are in lock down, Robin vaulted down. They’re safe… But not if I don’t approach him /immediately/.”  
“Approach, Iron Man, with /caution/.” I could hear the strain in Steve’s voice. I don’t know how he n’ Phil stay so calm where Tony n’ I are snarky n’ all we speak are ‘bad’ words in a crisis.

Tony safely removed the Loki issue from the tower with a hand from Big Green. The kids were secure but not if we didn’t get a handle on the clusterfuck called a nuke lovingly delivered from the WSC to destroy New York.  
Of course Tony had to be Tony and /cling to it for dear life/, riding it /through the fucking portal/. And /of course/ our children had to watch their Father and Uncle presumably fly to his death, including listenin’ in on our comms.  
“Love ya guys. Stony for life!” Tony, as cool as ever.  
“Iron Man! Tony! /Don’t/!” Jeez. I cannot listen to this. No one should be listenin’ to this.  
“DAD!!!” Fuck! The kids are on our channel. Dammit!!  
“Shell Head? Do you copy? The portal is closing. Get your tin ass down here!! We’ve got a ninth birthday to throw in forty three days and Peter just called you Dad. Don’t screw this up Stark… Come on…” Come home Tony…  
“Eyes. Anyone!? Anybody have eyes on Tony?!!” Steve is getting antsy, never a good sign. Someone’s going down for this and I’m certainly gonna help.  
“Wait. Sighted. Iron Man is plummeting. No thrusters or energy. I repeat. .Plummeting/.” For Chrissake Tony!!  
“Hulk catch Tin Man.” Fantastic idea from the Hulk himself.  
“Tony!! Hulk! /Gentle/!!” Steve must be meditating more with Bruce to keep this level of calm. A beautiful sight watching a jolly green giant catch a crazed genius in a suit of armour falling from a multi-dimensional portal like a freaking butterfly.   
They hit the ground pretty damn hard but the Hulk had a secure grasp on Stark before the crash. Fuck this. I’m not waiting for a damn signal. I’m going down there myself.  
“Tony? He’s not breathing. Tony!! /Anthony Edward Stark. You wake up this minute/!!!” Steve’s tearing up. Shit. CPR. Someone…  
“…do CPR!!” That sound less hoarse in my head.  
“AGHHHHH!!!!” JESUS!! Hulk roar equals a very effective CPR manoeuvre.  
“Hughhh!” Thank Fuck for that. Tony’s coughing and Steve is, mostly likely, crushing the armour with that bear hug…  
“/Don’t you ever do that again/!!! What would I damn well do without my tall, dark and handsome?” Well I haven’t heard them use that nickname. I’m not gonna ask. It just ends in grossed-out retching. And Steve /swore/, someone call an ambulance!   
“Well… Hulk’s pretty tall…” Tony half chuckled as Steve thoroughly kissed the life outta him before Nat prudently reminded them of their children and a crazed demi-god to be dealt with.   
“Let’s sort out our last problem and head out for shawarma!” Tony interjected as we made our way through the rubble and devastation towards the tower.

 

I could so easily put an arrow through his eye and finish this. /For good/.  
But, that’s not my decision, plus the kids are right behind us and Phil would probably maim me for slaughtering someone in front of Dickie for any reason.  
Phil!!  
Shit, I… we need to get to the ‘carrier. /Now/!!  
“Dickie!! Dick! Come on, bud. We’ve gotta go.” I take my son by the hand as we walk out onto the crushed street.  
“I’m driving.” Nat’s right behind us, I can see the rest of the guys trailing but everything seems a little off. Exhaustion and dehydration and starvation have finally hit home. There is no more fumes or adrenaline to run on… It’s gotta last. Twenty minutes… Need to see Phil n’ make sure Dickie’s okay. Then I can collapse somewhere…   
“/Quickly/.” I reply as I hoist a stumbling Dickie to my waist. He’s so pale. Too pale, almost.  
“Daddy… Are we gonna see Pops now?” There’s so much in his little blue eyes, too much for an eight year old. He could kill me with those things.  
“Yeah, bud, we are. But, you know how Pops and I always said that we can get hurt when we’re working?” I watched his cropped sandy hair bob as he nodded and we settled into the backseat of the SUV Nat had obtained, “Well, Dick, Pops got hurt this time. He got hurt pretty bad.” I can’t tell him Phil hasn’t made it. I can barely hold it together when I tell him it’s bed time. Fuck. What the hell am I supposed to do? Phil don’t leave me. /Please./  
“It’s okay Daddy. Pops promised to be there for my birthday… Pops doesn’t break his promises…” I can feel my throat catch as my eight year old son comforts me just like his Pops always promised he’d do… Phil always taught Barry to be cautious and attentive to others, just like a Hawk. Or a little Robin.  
“That’s right bud.” I cough a little to unclog my throat from the tears and pull Dick onto my lap, holding him tight as he replies with his own hug.

Barry clings to my side as we jog through the Helicarrier’s halls towards Med Bay. He never liked hospitals, a lot like me; nothing good ever happens in a hospital, well, not any he’s been to. I’m going against every fibre of my being, of hospital hatred hoping Phil is fine, that something good has to happen in a hospital. I mean, the kids were born in hospitals. Right?  
Phil is fine. He’s gonna sit up and snark at me for running off with a demented super villain and taking our son along for the ride too, just because he told us we had ‘heart’ or some shit like that. God. I love him. I need him. /Fuck, Phil, what the hell were you doing/?!!  
“Fury...” He’s standing outside the doors of ICU, in my way to Phil. Nat’s right behind me, you’d think she’d know to shove Nick outta my way. I’m too tired for this shit. I need to see my husband. My son needs his Father.   
“Barton… I’m sorry.” Nick’s not sorry, he’s never sorry. He doesn’t regret anything. He doesn’t make mistakes. He doesn’t apologise...  
Then he hands me Phil’s ring…


	4. Fear of Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clint’s POV continues… Dickie’s POV is the last part signified with ~.  
> Thanks to the few people who are actually reading this story, if you have any questions, comments or pointers please dont be afraid to comment!!   
> Laura X

My knees give out completely. Everything’s just been dropped out from beneath me…   
I can vaguely make out Dickie letting go of my hand and some aggressive tones from the rest of the team but I can’t take my eyes of the ring. /Phil’s/ ring…  
We only ever wore them if the other was MIA… We had necklaces otherwise…  
He… He can’t be… he promised…  
“He /promised/!” I rasped out as the tears were interrupted in their flowing as sheer anger overwhelmed me as arms pulled me up, or tried to…  
“Let go! Let me /go/!”  
“Clint. Clint! I know!!  
“NO! Tony, it was /my fault/!” I shoved him away from me, breathing heavily. I could feel Steve’s sympathetic eyes… I don’t want his fucking sympathy! I want Phil!   
I turned swiftly in an attempt to move Fury, get to Phil… Dead or not… I /needed/ to see him…  
“Barton, Clint. He’s gone. You can’t. You know the rules… There was a lot of experimental procedures attempted… cremation was compulsory… We tried…” Nick clenched his fists around my biceps, trying to get through.  
“Fuck…” I whisper. My head drops onto Nick’s chest as my breathing quickens in the reality of never seeing Phil again… Never holding his hand or kissing his lips or seeing his eyes twinkle or his tiny smile that means he loves me… us… Dickie…  
One more deep breathe and I let go of Nick and storm out of the ICU, barely making out Steve telling me where to go – “… Tasha… waiting room…”  
Nat was never one for grief or vulnerability. But she always watched over Dickie… Finding them in the waiting room burned like a dagger to the heart… It was just like that night six years ago… Me stumbling over to the little boy whose world just ended. He was crumbled up into a ball with his head between his knees. Except Phil wasn’t here to have our backs this time…  
I nod at Natasha as I enter, she recognises it with another nod and swiftly exits. I make my way to the far corner where Dick sat and I copied him… Just like before…  
“He fought really hard, Dickie. He was just really badly hurt... It’s… not anyone’s fault and I know that he loves-loved you…” I sniffed painfully trying to keep it together, I was always such a good showman… I can keep it going… I have to.  
Dick didn’t even look up but his breathing became a little deeper before he launched himself into my lap… /Just like before…/

Two hours later and we were all checked out and making our way home… Tony had Happy take Dick and I back to the apartment first… The thought of being home… it wasn’t /home/ anymore…being there without Phil made me sick to my stomach but everything’s there, everything we had as a family… Dickie hadn’t left my lap since he climbed into it so it’s time for me to be the wall for him to lean on and I can crumble later… /Later…/  
How the hell am I supposed to do this without Phil? He’s our son… our Robin… We were Phil’s birds… How can a bird fly without its wind? I closed my eyes painfully tight as we entered the apartment, carrying Dick who tensed in my arms also.   
Fuck this. We both had been cleared with bed rest and that’s all I want to do. Climb into bed and hold my baby…  
I steered clear of Phil and I’s bedroom and gently placed Dick on top of his bed as I helped him under the duvet and I lay on my back beside him, holding him in place on my chest after I removed both our shoes. The Med bay gave us clean sweats to change into and a quick wash left us feeling barely normal.   
A couple more deep breaths as I watched the ceiling and smoothed my hand over Dickie’s back.   
“I love you, Dickie bird…” My voice sounded deafening in the silence.  
“Love you Daddy…” Dick replied tightly into my t-shirt as his hand kept a tight hold of a corner of it.  
“Go to sleep baby, m’not going anywhere…” I reassured him as best I could before everything just overwhelmed us and sleep covered the surroundings with black.

 

~  
Dick was stirred from his mostly fitful sleep, as evidenced by the new positioning of him and his Dad in his bed; Dad on his stomach at the top of the bed and Dick cocooned in a blanket lying sideways across the bed and Dad’s back. He feels the press of lips to his head once more as his eyes begin to flutter, a voice, he /knows/ that voice, shatters the illusion-  
“Good morning, Dickie bird…” It’s not really gravelly enough to be his Dad’s and he’d feel it with him talking with his positioning across his back… but the only other option possible is impossible…It can’t be… Please let it be… /Please/… His eyes slam open in both fear and dreaded hope.  
Pops is crouched in front of him beside his bed, the bleak light of morning making him seem almost angelic... But he’s wearing the same SHIELD sweats as Dad and himself… deathly pale, although the bright smile on his sweat-glistened face livens him just that bit more. And that bit just pushes it a little more into reality but… How? Pops?   
“Pops?” he whispers desperately pleading with it to be real.  
Phil’s smile widens and Dickie launches himself off of the bed at him as Pops barely remains crouched instead of on his ass on the wooden floor.  
“POPS!!” He can feel his Pops wheeze in his arms whether it’s from pain, laughter or crying he doesn’t know because the room is clenched in silence once more by the completely gripping sound of the hammer of a gun being pulled back behind Phil’s head… Daddy?  
“/Let go of my son…/”


	5. Fear of Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final Chapter!! Back to Phil’s POV. Thanks for reading!!

“Clint, it’s me…” I spoke softly but sternly as I stood carefully from Dick’s embrace; wincing subtly.   
“My /husband/… is /dead/.” Clint whispered desperately, I can hear the faint shaking in his tone, although I never heard him wake up.  
I turn around to face him, ever so slightly shielding Richie behind me. His face is set in stone but I can see the tears in his eyes when he sees mine, scared to fall, scared to hope.  
“Clint… I proposed to you eleven years ago when you were bleeding out in my arms. Your reply was, ‘Great timing’ because you were going to propose when we got back from that mission... We waited four years to get married… I had dated you for four years before I finally proposed… Tony Stark and Steve Rodgers decided to get married straight after us, they felt everyone they loved was already there, as well as a minister so why not?  
When we first met Richie, he was a scared three year old boy, all alone in a crime scene full of cops. He was crouched in a corner away from everyone with his knees pulled up to his chest… just like you used to do. You were the one who talked to him and comforted him that day, the worst in his life… You were the reason we were graced with our first child that day six years ago… We call him ‘Robin’ because when he’s on that wire he can fly just like a bird, just like you… You want to have five kids… I fell completely and utterly in love with you the day you let Natasha beat you when you were sparring just so you could spend more time with me before you left for a three month mission… And I know how much you hate to lose… I know how much it must have hurt to lose me. But I’m right here, Clint. I’m right here…” I plead, desperately hoping that he listens, that he understands. I reach my hands, not to protect myself, but to open myself up, trusting him not to shoot, to know not to shoot.  
“You never told me that…” Clint whispers, his voice harsh with unshed tears, he lowers the gun, placing it out of habit safely on the dresser. Like a wild animal, one afraid of being beaten and abused once again, he flinches at my open arms, his breathing on the verge of hyperventilating and Richie’s hands clench onto my sweats, I can feel his head peeking around my waist at Clint. Not in fear, he would never fear his Daddy; in hope that I’m real, that he didn’t lose another parent.  
His unwillingness doesn’t last long when I see him glance at Richie’s face, something snaps and he charges at me with a fierceness in his eyes that I’d recognise anywhere. His arms wrap around my torso, squeezing the air out of my lungs with a painful rasp, but I just clutch him tighter, Richie holding us as best he can from behind.   
With the tears finally streaming down our faces, I barely squeak out, “I’m still injured y’know?” with a chuckle and a gasp from Clint he lets his death grip loosen but never lets go of me, hands clutching my biceps.  
Through all the tears and smiles, I just about hear Richie tentatively ask me what happened. Clint’s breathe freezes before I give his shoulder a squeeze in reassurance.   
“Loki got me pretty badly. But I refused to leave my birds behind”. I smile softly as they both hug me once more.

It was only reaching 6 am, the sun was high in the sky and the pain from the week before was finally cresting over. We all vaguely slept, cuddling each other; Richie snuggled close between Clint and I, his head resting gently on my stomach and his legs sprawled over Clint on our bed. Richie fell sound asleep, finally at peace with both his Dads. I was smoothing the shaggy brown hair out of Richie’s eyes, thanking every powerful being and friend and luck that I got to be here and do this again. I looked up at Clint, he was staring at me, tears washed over his face.   
“Clint, I’m still here. We’re still here.” Phil wiped the tears from Clint’s face, trying to not cry myself.  
“What happened?” Clint asked for the truth, however blunt, he needed to know what happened to his husband. What they were going to have to fight through in the near future, he certainly knew he’d have nightmares.  
“They lost me. For a while... I kept coming back until I couldn’t anymore. They tried everything SHIELD had to fix the wound and stop the bleeding. My heart was under a lot of stress but I was trying my hardest to live for you. I’m going to have a hefty scar but I refused to leave you both behind. I bolted from Med Bay as soon as I was able to get out of there. Especially since Nick had already told you guys I was gone. By the way, could I have my ring back?” Phil smiled although with a little sadness in admitting he had left his family behind.   
Clint removed Phil’s ring from above his own on his left ring finger. The rings were specially made to interlink with each other, engraved with arrows and our initials. We never wore them out due to the less than respectful nature of our jobs. We had a necklace each for our rings but I was wearing mine when I… died. I know the reason behind Clint wearing his now, it was the same reason; for comfort. By not having my partner by my side, the ring was a symbol of hope and filled a small amount of space that was left by losing each other.   
“Why the hell did Nick lie t’me?!” Clint asked the fierce love in his overridden by betrayal, as he watched me place my ring back where it belonged and I know my eyes gleam at him.   
“The last time he checked, I was dead for 10 minutes… I was officially gone… Nick had told you I was dead because I was, there was no lies. And I wish he was,” Phil looked away from Clint’s eyes in shame. He couldn’t bare losing Clint for a while, never mind forever.   
“He said they cremated you?” Clint was still searching for answers, he could console Phil on… dying… afterwards. This is important, their relationship wouldn’t pull through this fully if they didn’t share their pain, their feelings, their memories.   
“They were about to when Dr Reed barged in with some machine he’d been working on with Asgardian technology and skin constructive surgery mechanisms. If he’d arrived three minutes later… I would have been totally gone.” I try very hard not think about that, probably the strangest thing is having no memories of that time, I was dead. No pulse. Everyone else had to tell me how I lived but I was /dead/.  
“How t’hell did you wake up after no oxygen for that long?” Clint never thought logically, always just hoping for the best, but this situation defied logic so of course Clint had to be rational for once.  
“I have no clue. And I don’t care what he’s done as long as I’m right here with you two.” I try to pus past the memories, the ones that were there and the ones that had to be shared with him to give Clint a long, passionate, worrisome kiss.   
“Hey! What did I tell you about getting out of dodge when the tesseract started to flare up!?” I broke the kiss at realisation, giving Clint a tug on his ear.  
“Thought you forgot ‘bout that…” Clint winced and looked away from Phil’s hurt expression, shamefully. “M’sorry, especially for putting Richie in danger. But I’ve warned /you/ multiple times against dying on me!” Clint smiled solemnly. He reminisced back to when they decided to bring Richie with them to ‘babysit’ some alien tech, essentially, for a family holiday.   
“Never again. I promise, if you promise.”   
“Promise.”  
“I almost lost you both,” Phil’s words hurt to say as well as to hear.  
“Phil, I’m so sorry, I was devastated about losing you, still am… I couldn’t imagine where I’d be if I’d lost Robin too… I’m sorry for putting you through that”. Clint gripped my hand tighter at the thought of that, and I returned the sentiment.  
“I’m sorry for scaring you too. I was being a drastic and my need for revenge could have left you guys without me, it was idiotic…” Phil frowned at himself.   
“We should probably tell the others you’re okay, soon,” Clint changed the topic, they would get stuck in a loop if they kept going on about how self-sacrificing and destructive they could both be for their family.   
“Definitely. Did everyone get out okay?” Phil hadn’t even thought about the others, for which he did feel bad but he just needed to be with his two boys.   
“They’re pretty damn upset about you but no real damage was caused during the fight; other than Tony falling from space and almost killing himself… Just as Steve was ‘bout t’give him mouth to mouth, Hulk gave him a bit of a wake-up call. Barry swore at him and Steve didn’t even tell him off for’it!” Clint laughed at the comfort of his family being whole again.   
“Is Richie okay? How did you get him out of Loki’s trance?” Phil seemed concerned again as Richie started to stir a little between them, Phil rubbed his back calmly, adjusting his superhero pyjama top.   
“Yeah. Mostly. Hit him hard when you didn’t make it. Hit us both. Blamed himself. I got him out of it jus’ shouting ‘Robin’, he suddenly stopped after stealin’ my arrows an’ kickin’ ass, an’ he stared at me. Sorta like he recognised me an’ then he collapsed... I thought I lost ‘im until I ran over an’ his breath came back to him… Loki is being dealt with…” I can see Clint clench a little when he thought of losing our Robin and he squeezed my hand for comfort. I squeezed back with a quick smile.   
“Good. Maybe he can fight for the good guys in the future...” I smiled again but with a little apprehension. He saw what happens to heroes, out there, in the real world…


End file.
